You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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