He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
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it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
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Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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