If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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