So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
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Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
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i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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