His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
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Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
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Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Maybe he injected his testicle?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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