Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
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Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
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I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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