Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
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I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
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All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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