I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
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She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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