Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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