I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
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Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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