what day is it and did you see me today?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
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eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
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I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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