how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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