if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
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I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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