I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm passing your future prison.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize