life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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