you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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