i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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