he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
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I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize