I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
P.S. I can't hear my feet
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
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he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
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How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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