me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
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If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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