I'm so fucking centered right now
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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