I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
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passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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