I accidentally had phone sex last night
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
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When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
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Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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