I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
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