So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
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I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
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Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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