I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
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Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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