Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
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Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
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He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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