You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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