my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
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It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
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Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
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