you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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