my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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