My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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