I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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