false alarm. still invincible.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
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They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
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This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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