I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
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she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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