At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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