if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
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When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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