Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
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Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
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when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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