I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize