I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
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See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
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you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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