So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
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There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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