My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
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nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
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I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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