The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
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What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
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Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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