I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
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look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
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So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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