the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
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She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
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I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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