"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
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Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i think im in europe. pls send help
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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