what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
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THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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