apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
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I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
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I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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