I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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