I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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